Flowering 

The trees are in leaf, finally. I learnt the Icelandic word for finally, finally (loksins). It never gets dark and I have the beginnings of a tan. 
I am very aware that I haven’t written in a while, that my Foodie Friday habit has fallen by the wayside: this post is an update, offering and explanation. 

As Iceland wakes up from winter I am awakening from my own darkness too, slowly, slowly not quite surely. There is a quickening to spring, an acceleration where the buds whose progress you followed religiously suddenly burst with pollen, and the lawn is a lush field after months of jaundice. I have found in myself a rising urge to draw and paint, in colour, starting on a blank page without knowing it’s end, feeling the liberation like a welcome breeze on my face (Iceland is not short of welcome breezes, and absolutely brimming with unwelcome ones). So I have not made any illustrations for this blog, instead trying little steps into the unknown, feeling like I don’t know what I’m doing, which is an exciting feeling. Though I like drawing the illustrations for Foodie Friday here I haven’t found the motivation to sit and draw a picture I can already see in my head, as is the case with most of the black and white ink drawings I’ve made for this blog. 

So although this blog is a quiet space, in daily life it feels like everything is humming and blooming and flowering. While I am becoming, I know less how to write about it – in the process of forming and changing what can I say from the eye of the storm? Better perhaps from a distance, later. That’d what I tell myself when I skip writing the blog in order to see what happens if I put pink next to green. 

I have a distinct memory of being at primary school, in an afternoon given over to art. Sitting at a table, totally and utterly engrossed in the colour purple, Berol chunky felt tip in hand, moving it cross the page just to see the velvety liquid purple spread, not to make a picture. 
And later at secondary school, being scolded for wasting paint and time as I stared hypnotised into a glass, loading a brush with colour and dipping it in to see the reds unfurl in the water. 

This feeling occurred less and less as I grew up, ‘studied’ and attempted a career of sorts in art. I don’t know that those things caused the loss of it, I don’t think they always do. But now, I find the feeling again when I sit to paint. I’m painting probably quite terrible pictures. I don’t know. For the first time I realise I don’t care. That it doesn’t matter. I am putting them here anyway, I am thinking that it’s good for me to loosen my grip on perfectionism, so sharing these raw, no-thought pieces is important, not because of how they look but for the shift in process. 

There is an Icelandic cartoonist called Hugleikur Dagsson who recently formed a boy band called Never 2 L8. There’s a really quite lovely music video you can find. His reason was that he always wanted to be in a boy band and decided it was never too late. The band consists largely of bearded, middle aged men. This is the sentiment I am championing now, as I decide to paint in colour when I don’t know how. And in all areas of life too, things are flowering where I thought there would only be space.
I bought a baritone ukulele. I’m learning to play it. I want to learn to sing. I am writing songs. I am doing yoga three times a week and thinking of training as a teacher some day. I went to dance class last week and want to do more.

The idea I had of myself is shifting and the things I thought were ‘not me’ turn out to be only blocked by barriers of the mind. 

This post is like one long apology for absence, and my excuse is that I am a work in progress and I haven’t worked out how to share that without breaking a fragile spirit of trying. But I think it will be good to try. This is the first attempt.

2 thoughts on “Flowering ”

  1. Just re-read this and thought how encouraging it is. It no doubt resonates with so many of us. Certainly does with me! I’m just exploring this shift for me from ‘victim’ to ‘creator’. It seems to be what you are admirably achieving.
    And the use of colour is great- still love my painting from Malta and looking at it daily has encouraged me to re-book the Fortina Spa for November. Ever after a bargain I’ve booked a week h/b in a windowless room for peanuts. But the hotel is being refurbished, no indoor pool or spa sadly or rooms, so am being upgraded to the Tower supposedly (where I’ve always wanted to stay)! What can possibly go wrong!!! A A xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lovely to read your thoughts on it and what a wonderful phrase, victim to creator. I’m so glad that you’re on the journey! And, very happy to know you’ll be back in Malta! And in the mysteriously named Tower! That’s brilliant! Lots of love, Han xxxd

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